Before sending off his latest email to Gilbey’s lawyers, Kelvin scrolled down the screen to remind himself of all that had been going on in the last couple of days. It had been a busy time for him, which he wasn’t fucking used to. It began when he got up on Monday and found this piece of shit in his Inbox:
When you responded to our letter dated 26th October, 2015, in relation to this matter, you expressed the firm intention to engage a Solicitor to act on your behalf. As you will recall from our conversation, we strongly recommended that you take that course and that you do so without delay.
Your declared intention was to engage the services of an independent Solicitor in the course of last week and so we would be pleased to receive notice of the identity of those Solicitors. While it would be unreasonable to expect newly appointed Solicitors to be able to deal with the entire issue within a very short period of time of being engaged, we wish to know the identity of the Solicitors which it should be possible to disclose instantly.
So his phone call to that posh cunt in Callander hadn’t bought him much time at all. Less than a fucking week, to be precise. And the old Kelvin magic hadn’t worked on Mister La-di-da. In fact, he seemed to have ignored everything Kelvin had said to him. Just listened and smiled and nodded. Cunt!
But thank fuck again for Lanky Lenny. Kelvin showed him the email later that day when he met him in Deacon Brodie’s just after Lenny finished his work.
“This is tantamount to bullying, Kelv,” Lenny had said immediately. “You need to send this guy a big fuck-off reply. Tell him you won’t be hurried. And remind him he hasn’t supplied the information you’ve been asking for about the alleged debt. But for fuck’s sake don’t admit to any liability whatsoever.”
The thing about Lenny was that not only did he work in a lawyers’ office, he was also studying to be a lawyer. So he knew all the jargon and what to say. More than that, he sat there and actually scribbled out the reply, which Kelvin typed up and emailed that evening when he got home. Reading the email again now, Kelvin confirmed to himself that it was well worth the couple of pints he had bought Lenny.
But thank fuck again for Lanky Lenny. Kelvin showed him the email later that day when he met him in Deacon Brodie’s just after Lenny finished his work.
“This is tantamount to bullying, Kelv,” Lenny had said immediately. “You need to send this guy a big fuck-off reply. Tell him you won’t be hurried. And remind him he hasn’t supplied the information you’ve been asking for about the alleged debt. But for fuck’s sake don’t admit to any liability whatsoever.”
The thing about Lenny was that not only did he work in a lawyers’ office, he was also studying to be a lawyer. So he knew all the jargon and what to say. More than that, he sat there and actually scribbled out the reply, which Kelvin typed up and emailed that evening when he got home. Reading the email again now, Kelvin confirmed to himself that it was well worth the couple of pints he had bought Lenny.
I think our recollections of our telephone conversation differ considerably. However I have now sought independent legal advice in relation to this matter.
As I have previously stated I am in the process of in-gathering my late father's estate. As I am sure you are aware this will take some time. I have already acknowledged receipt of your letters and responded to each of them.
As you have previously been informed, there are no liquid funds with which to effect immediate payment in my late father's estate.
As has previously been requested, please provide the details regarding the origins of this bond and it's purpose. Please also provide proof of payment of the initial sum and any and all repayments made.
I decline your request to provide you a written undertaking assuming liability in this matter. I am under no obligation to do so and simply refuse.
I have been advised that I have no obligation to expedite distributing my late father's estate to satisfy your demand for immediate payment, were it even possible. I have acknowledged and responded to your letters yet am still to receive any response to simple questions I have posed.
Further demands for immediate payment or threats of instigating court proceedings are entirely unacceptable, unnecessary and unrealistic. It is not within my power to increase the speed at which my father's estate is in-gathered.
As previously stated, I or my solicitors will be in touch once the matter has been given due consideration and I am in a position to begin distributing my late father's estate. I look forward to receiving the requested information from you.
But what was worth even more than those two pints was the advice Lenny went on to offer him about hiring a lawyer of his own.
“I can understand your reluctance to engage a solicitor to deal with your Dad’s estate, Kelv,” the big fella had said. “Why fork out hundreds of quid on a process you don’t need or want? But this Personal Bond business is a whole separate thing. Because it’s a civil matter, you’d be able to engage a solicitor to contest it and claim Legal Aid on your behalf, so it wouldn’t cost you a fucking bean. If you like, I can put you in touch with one of the guys in the office who might be happy to take on the case. My reading of the situation is that you’re going to need someone to represent you. Whatever you say or argue in your emails, it looks like this shit ain’t gonna go away, man.”
And Lenny was one hundred per cent right about that. This afternoon, less than a day after Kelvin sent his fuck-off email, Mister La-di-da replied.
“I can understand your reluctance to engage a solicitor to deal with your Dad’s estate, Kelv,” the big fella had said. “Why fork out hundreds of quid on a process you don’t need or want? But this Personal Bond business is a whole separate thing. Because it’s a civil matter, you’d be able to engage a solicitor to contest it and claim Legal Aid on your behalf, so it wouldn’t cost you a fucking bean. If you like, I can put you in touch with one of the guys in the office who might be happy to take on the case. My reading of the situation is that you’re going to need someone to represent you. Whatever you say or argue in your emails, it looks like this shit ain’t gonna go away, man.”
And Lenny was one hundred per cent right about that. This afternoon, less than a day after Kelvin sent his fuck-off email, Mister La-di-da replied.
We have your email of 2nd November, 2015 . As a matter of routine good practice, contemporaneous file notes are prepared here to record the terms of discussions which take place either face-to-face or by telephone. While no claim to infallibility can be made, they provide a useful aide memoire.
On behalf of our clients, we hold the principal Document of Debt on which their claim is founded, being a Personal Bond of which you have full details. Intimation of the indebtedness in terms of the Personal Bond was made timeously and the document includes the following provision:-
“to be repaid by me as at such time as I determine or if following my death, within three months after my death”.
Please confirm that you are the Executor in your late father’s estate and that intimation of the claim is acknowledged without reservation. Because the Personal Bond is an entirely valid Document of Debt, there is no need for enquiry or disclosure in relation to the background of whatever transaction it might relate.
It is for you as Executor (assuming that you hold that office) to comply with time limits such as the one imposed for repayment of the amount due under the Personal Bond. Your clear contention that you assume no responsibility either for when payment might be made or even if it might be made at all leaves little scope. If you are indeed the Executor then it is substantially within your power to expedite the administration of your father's estate. Are the Solicitors to whom you make reference acting in the administration of the estate or only for you in your individual capacity?
Your continued excuses for not making progress cut little ice with our clients. The requirements which we have stipulated on their behalf may be unacceptable to you but they are undoubtedly necessary and realistic.
No, the cunts weren’t letting it go. Worse than that, they were repeatedly insinuating that he was not the rightful Executor of his father’s Will. Just what the fuck had Gilbey been saying to La-di-da about the Will? Surely, whatever was recorded in it had been a private matter between the old man and his lawyer. And the cutting little ice business. Well, that had come straight out of cunt-face Gilbey’s gub, hadn’t it?
Anyway, soon after he received the reply he had phoned Lenny and asked him to go ahead and speak to someone in his office. He was waiting for a call back on that. But meantime he was about to fire off this little missive to La-di-fucking-da.
Anyway, soon after he received the reply he had phoned Lenny and asked him to go ahead and speak to someone in his office. He was waiting for a call back on that. But meantime he was about to fire off this little missive to La-di-fucking-da.
I fail to see the usefulness of inaccurate notes. You made several claims as to my intentions and not a single one was correct.
I also fail to see how it is within my power to expedite a process which also depends on many third parties taking action.
As you have refused to provide any information regarding the bond including proof of payment and continue to simply demand immediate payment you have left me no alternative other than to retain counsel.
I wish for no further direct contact from you and your client. You may direct all your communications to my solicitor. Your refusal to mediate has forced me to now incur significant additional costs and I intend to seek redress having been forced into taking this course of action.
Unfortunately my solicitor is out of office until Thursday 5th November. On his return I shall furnish him with all communications to date and he will no doubt make prompt contact with yourself.
Do not contact me directly again.
Aye, it was always good to have the last word. He would be lawyered up soon. Then it would be game fucking on.